My father, the man whom I would say was the closest and most special person to me in the entire world, lost his battle to cancer in January.
After a long fight of 5 years, with tremendous ups and horrific lows of facing the rounds and rounds of chemo and and an incredibly intensive transplant , his body had fought long and hard and it could go no longer go on.
Four months on, and I find it incredibly difficult to express how I feel. Since my father left, I fell into a dark world- but at the same time I was fully aware that society doesn’t like people to talk or be around the grieving, so I shut it away and made it a private affair.
I would keep to myself, avoiding friends as I didn’t want to appear to be miserable around them. I hated crying in front on my husband – we were meant to be in the honeymoon phase, having just got married 6 months before, and I didn’t want him to see that side of me.
In the 15 weeks that have followed him leaving -I’ve seen a bereavement specialist, personal coach, personal development through acting class, energy healer and most recently i’ve went to the UPW event with Tony Robbins.
All of these things helped me in stages. I allowed myself to unpick my grief through my bereavement session – the psychologist gently listened to me and delved a little deeper into the pain i was feeling. She allowed me to cry , and gave me permission to do so in front of other. She told me to be open with others about how I was feeling. Although it took some time, I feel like I am finally getting there.
At the UPW event, I felt that I could really express my emotions. I let out my deep sadness that my father was no longer here. I let out my anger that I didn’t allow myself to fully allow myself to grieve – having to mask my feelings, but I also let out my happiness.
I let out my happiness that my father was an incredible man, who was wise, kind and beautifully spirited, and that I had the honour to have call him my father. I felt like it was ok to smile again. Smiling again doesn’t for a second mean that there isn’t pain in my heart, but I feel that my Father would want to see me smile and move forward with my life.
I love you Babba xxx